Jules and I have been married for over 30 years and are still fascinated by the idea of oneness, or these days what we are calling, US-Ness.
We were married young in 1993 with an optimistic outlook but a naive understanding of what the future had in store for us. I have heard people talk about how hard it is for older people to marry because they can tend to be set in their ways. We learned early on that even at 23 and 19, we were already set in so many ways.
Friends and family cautioned us about getting married so young, not just because we were young, but I think because we seemed to argue a lot. We were (and still are) so different in the way we approached life and navigated pain cycles. I didn’t even know what a pain cycle was back then. We are so grateful for our RT (Restoration Therapy) training and the tools we have been given to self regulate on a daily basis.
Although cautioned, we did have the support of family and friends to embark on this new adventure of marriage. It’s been a wonderful journey and we are more in love today than ever before. Funnily enough, we have become more similar in so many ways too. There has been a merging in the way we see the world, treat others, raise kids, dream about the future and set goals together.
We chose two scriptures for our wedding ceremony. One was the famous passage out of 1 Corinthians 13 about love. The other was about the strength of a three chord strand.
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecc 4:12 NLT
One person, two people, three people!
It was always interpreted as Jesus being the third strand in our relationship. I liked this as it helped us make sure we kept Jesus at the centre of our relationship as much as the centre of our own lives too.
As time went on our arguments definitely decreased but there were some nights that lasted all night as we took that scripture about not letting the sun go down on your anger quite literally. (Eph 4:26). There might have been once or twice where it wasn’t long before the sun was actually about to come up again, which created an urgency to get things resolved.
You could say Jesus was at the centre of our relationship but sometimes it felt like Jesus was watching us as two individuals and wondering why we were behaving the way we were. That third chord was just another person, (Jesus) watching two other people, (Joel & Julia) misbehave and love less than we should have.
Me VS You.
We have noticed that relationships struggle when we see it as Me VS You. My wants and desires vs yours. My dreams and goals vs yours. Some people break up because one wants to take a job in another country and the other wants to stay. It’s my career vs yours.
If we can’t get on the same page about work / life balance and careers how will we ever get on the same page about our relationship?
Me VS You is quite combative. We are in high defence mode, protecting our own interests, cautious that the other might take advantage of us.
Me OR You.
This is less combative and more about compromise but it still creates winners and losers. Tonight is about what I want OR what you want. Somebody is going to get what they want but the other might not. In a compromise somebody usually loses out. Which is why we say tomorrow we swap and the other loses out. We take it turns to have our way.
Whilst Jules and I enjoy similar foods we often want something very different from each other too. Just recently we drove to our local neighbourhood where the street is lined with a variety of different cuisines. I wanted vegetarian and she wanted fish and chips. We couldn’t agree on which cafe to go to. Yours or mine?
Let’s do yours tonight and next time we will go where I want to go. (Compromise)
Ever done that? Gone where your partner wanted to go, and then got sick from what you ate. Whose fault is that now? Ever find yourself saying, “I told you I wanted to go to the other cafe! Now I’m sick because we ate what you wanted to eat!”
Me AND You.
Better still is figuring out how to build a Me AND You into every part of your relationship. A relationship that shares the hopes and dreams of both individuals. Shared interest around likes and dislikes, fears and concerns. You don’t have to be the same in every area, you just acknowledge each other’s individual needs in a combined way.
We bought a house a couple of years ago when the bank interest rates were very low. We bought in at 1.9% but heard that rates could possibly increase over the next 18 months. Increase they did. Interest rates went up 12 times over the next 18 months to 6%.
Before we had agreed to purchase this new home, we sat together and looked at all the pros and cons of this new adventure. We listed what we loved: the location, the guest bedroom, the style of home, nearby facilities etc and we also listed our cons: the only one in which was if interest rates were to rise too high we agreed to sell it.
At 6% we were not able to afford our dream home and instead of turning on each other because of the painful financial situation, it was an easy decision to sell because we had already created an US-NESS around this if the situation arose down the track - and it did, so we sold.
“Then Adam said: “At last! One like me! Her bones were formed from my bones, and her flesh from my flesh! This one will be called ‘Woman,’ for she was taken from man.” For this reason, a man leaves his father and his mother to be unselfishly attached to his wife. They become one flesh as a new family Gen 2:23-24 TPT
The one flesh as a new family is the third chord or entity we call US. When we each intentionally work on the US-ness of our marriage, we are both benefiting from what we are building into.
It’s not half of me and half of you that creates an US. It’s all of me and all of you. US becomes a new family entity.
Before we bought the next house we took a few days each to prayerfully make a list of what we wanted in a home. Pool, yard, single story, garage, location, no debt etc and then came back together and circled the things that we had both written as our US house and left the individual items below, just in case that worked out too. But our priority was focused on looking for the US house.
Eliminating distractions became easier!
Any house that didn’t have the US list we ignored. It meant that our search criteria was more limited but it was so fun watching God provide a place that ticked all the US boxes and we are so grateful to have done this journey with US-Ness.
Next Steps:
Make a list of any big decisions you’re facing as a couple. (Moving house, changing jobs, kids schooling, family budget etc).
Create an US list by first each making your own individual list, then coming together and circle your similarities to make a combined US list.
Stay focused on your US-ness and not just the things you individually wanted that weren’t on each other’s list.
We are praying for you, that God may unselfishly attach you to each other and make you one flesh as a new family!
Q. Would love to know how this is working for you?
Grace & Peace
Joel & Jules